One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
You Might Also Like
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?