If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.