Thoughts
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.