This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell