seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I only treason on days ending in y
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.