“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Google Pay be like:
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.