Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef