Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
You Might Also Like
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.