Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.