Omg 馃ぃ
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That鈥檚 not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that鈥檚 a knife!
Husband: You鈥檙e starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The only thing I鈥檝e ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that鈥檚 right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I feel seen
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
Hey guys I鈥檓 so thrilled to announce that I鈥檒l no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I鈥檓 so grateful to everyone who helped get me here