Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Never let them know your next move 😂
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
#math
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon