Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I can’t stop watching this.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.