I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
This will never not be funny to me.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*