My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
When someone trying to leave me
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.