I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.