Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My dog learned how to text
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”