Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
relationship goals