Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”