I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
You Might Also Like
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
This came to me in a dream.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
👾👾👾
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies