“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?