Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that