Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day