[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?