Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Dolls on drugs
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.