To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills