I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you