jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.