*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what