If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*