I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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wishing you and yours all the best
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by