“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
what is cheese if not milk persevering
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.