[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
With this onion ring, I thee fed
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.