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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero