Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
m’lady
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV