My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
twitter users today:
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.