“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook