You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados