oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.