*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*