mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..