The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
bro what is going on at twitter
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.