Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
damn he’s good
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down