Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works