kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My first child will be named New Folder.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no