I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You Might Also Like
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Basically.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.