Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.