Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.