*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
How to draw a duck
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]