Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.