I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Favourite diary entry ever
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Before crowbars crows drank alone